Perspectives

Usually I use this blog for travel posts since our families start phone conversations with, "Where are you?"  Today I am straying from that format because my heart is heavy and I just need to jot my thoughts down to get them out of my head.

What started this was my granddaughter Sadie's first birthday in January.  Nothing really bothered me about it (except that I had a bad cold and couldn't go to her party) until I read another post from a very special family that also had a child only two and a half weeks later.  I've known the mother all of her life.  She was 6 months old when our very good friends adopted her from Korea and we were with them when they met their new daughter at the airport.  So you could say that she is my surrogate daughter.  My son and she grew up together so it was rather fitting that they also have children almost at the same time. 

But what really hurts is seeing how well (and normal) her son is at 1 year and how normal my son's daughter is not.  He was sitting up at 6 months, standing at 10 months and now almost walking.  My granddaughter?  Is still unable to sit, stand or even laugh.  She does smile (a lot) but not a sound of laughter comes from her.  At this time I should be able to play with her and tickle her and, in general, enjoy this new person.  But I can't.  Being over sensitive in so many areas it's hard to be relaxed around her. 

I am so grateful to God that He did let her live when all the doctors expected her not to, but it's hard to see other children around her age that are on the normal scale and she's still way behind.  I read posts on FB that talk of how this child is doing that or that child is doing this and I have to sit back and be quiet, not saying anything because I don't belong in that group.

At one time in my life I asked a lot of "why" questions:  why did this happen, why did I do what I did, why didn't I walk away, why didn't I say no, why didn't I talk to someone.  It got to the point that I would say, "If I had a nickle for every why I asked I would be a millionaire many times over."  Now I am asking why again.  And I still haven't gotten any answer.  Do I expect one?  Not really.  But I guess the one that I would really, really like an answer to is, "Why has God kept Sadie on Earth?"

In the meantime I will try and enjoy reading the posts on FB and blogs about other people's children and grandchildren and how they are progressing and try to be happy when they are happy talking about them.  And I will celebrate any milestone that Sadie makes, when she makes them.  She is my son's daughter and I will love her as any grandma would and more because she is my special angel.